Or loving, everyone and everything. I love love. I love song. Song is love.
I failed over and over again at achieving anything musical in my school days so I instead focused on starting a family and singing lullabies to my babies. After a very young, first try at marriage and motherhood I found myself needing a new start, Music had left my life and I felt like my soul was dying. So I took my son and went back to my moms. Right at that moment music found me again…..but first it was going to kick my ass. I was depressed and lost when American Idol came to Salt Lake City. My mom picked up my broken pieces and carried me to the auditions. I never in a million years thought I would make it past round one, I never even made a part in a Jr high school musical! I slept on the ground amongst thousands of hopefuls, listened to them desperately trying to out sing each other while we all waited for our one shot to make it to the next round. finally it was my turn, I sang one minute of a Bjork cover, the judges covered their conversations with clipboards then BAM!!!!!! Round one cleared….I couldn't believe it. I got my pass to continue on……then my entire life, world, and being changed forever. Round after round, trial after trail I found the universe telling me that this was the path I was supposed to be on. It was insane, overwhelming, stressful, intense and the craziest experience I have ever had. I would listen to these people who were trained, professional, true artists and musicians who had been spending all their time in music and I hadn't been singing since high school. I had to turn off my scared mind and keep to myself. It was me and my books for the first half of idol and it was terrifying. But I guess I was doing something right with all my inexperience and I found myself in the top ten. The goal was to make top ten so I could go on tour and make just enough money to buy a little house for me and my son. Once I made top ten I felt I had achieved what I came for and I lost the drive to continue on, subconsciously I was done, I told Simon that I didn't care if he didn't like my song and they cut me from the show :) Im proud to say thats how I got kicked off….pretty boss. And I don't care what he thinks, or what anyone thinks, all I can ever do and be is me and thats beyond enough. After the 3 months of American Idols live tour I found myself with an entirely new perspective of life. I had proven myself talent wise and I had never let my first priority of being a mom slip away. I finally knew that I could be a wonderful mom AND follow my artistic dreams. I finally understood that I am creating my own reality and I could do anything I wanted with it.
I had many many people in the "BiZ" wanting to work with me. My options were endless, it was beautiful and overwhelming. Soon I found myself having opportunities to write and record with some of the most talented and successful people I have ever been around. My custody schedule was 4 days on and 4 days off ….4 days loving on my baby then 4 days in LA or NY learning how to write my own songs and how to be a recording artist. It was an INSANE couple of years…. in which I lost myself and found myself and the entire world turned upside down, again. I found my inner voice, I remembered how much I love to write and that I have purpose in doing so. I had several amazing teachers who opened my mind to all ways of creation. After I had 23 awesome songs I went label shopping, It was exhausting. I was also terrified because I want to live in Utah and remain a present and devoted mom…… the money and course offered by the label machine threatened my independence and idea of motherhood. I got a couple offers but turned them down, walked away from my management and went back to Utah. I was far from giving up. At that point I knew I was born to do it all. Love and Art. I remember clearly, someone telling me repeatedly "You CAN NOT have a family AND follow your dreams" They were wrong.
The last song writing session I had was when a producer I love and work with often suggested I get together with Quinn Allman, a successful musician who was also based in Utah. I was very familiar with Quinns band, The Used, and SOOO excited to work with him. In August 2010 we met at a park to write a song…… we had so much in common that we couldn't stop talking, for hours, days and then weeks. Instant best friends, instantly in love. Soulmates. Quinn was my partner in recording and releasing my first album and he is my partner today in releasing my second album and he is forever my partner in music and all things life forever. My first two albums are the end products of when I was learning how to turn my love for music into a career. They close a chapter of my life where I found myself and learned how to follow dreams. I am so thankful for my son who taught me to root myself in love, my mom who never let me forget that I have wings and for Quinn who took my hand and flies by my side. This is just the beginning...
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